My plane leaves in less than four hours. I am packed and ready to go. I woke up an hour before my alarm and I’m sitting here feeling feelings I don’t think I’ve ever felt before when leaving for an extended trip. I am sad, on the verge of tears. Normally, and I’ve done this enough to have a “normally,” I am jumping out of my skin with excitement. And it is not that I am not excited, I am. I’m feeling a lot of things. Many years ago some people told me that I was going to “get in touch with my feelings.” They acted like they thought they were delivering good news. I looked at them astonished, didn’t they know, couldn’t they tell, I had spent more than thirty years trying not to feel my feelings, not to be in touch with my feelings.
It wasn’t safe to have feelings when I was young, at least it didn’t feel safe to me. Other kids laughed at you and adults acted like you were somehow misbehaving. So I learned to be stoic, to not let them know they had hurt me. I also discovered that anger keeps people away. And if people don’t get close to you, they can’t hurt you.
Well today, I’m sitting here feeling my feelings, in touch with my feelings. I have people so close to me, it is like they are under my skin or part of me. I really don’t mind. I remember Khalil Gibran saying something about you can’t laugh all of you laughter until you’ve cried all of your tears. I believe today that squishing part of my feelings stifles other feelings. I’m glad they didn’t all atrophy under my choke hold.
So it is time to get dressed and get ready to go. I am ready for a grand adventure, feelings and all.
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